Archives for March 2015

Rest in Peace Bhutanese singers. Or go mow the lawn.

Bhutanese singers can go work in a bar or go to Australia to mow some white douche’s lawn. The truth is, like India, we don’t have Music Industry anymore. Nobody buys music, cough…cough except Truck drivers.

We’d been hearing Nidup Dorji, Rinchen Namgyel, Dechen Pem and their totally unrelated metaphors of Pang da Sawa and Chu daa Nyamo songs. And then, just when we thought everything was going fine, Film came in, and they all vanished into thin air, perhaps for a better source of food I presume, with rare possible citing near Sabji Bazaar area. And then it was dead. Heard no more. Like a bad, bad relationship, we didn’t like to talk about it.

Like it wasn’t worse enough, then came in the software that enabled even a fool with a wit of a chimpanzee to arrange the music. And the Film Industry, the only hope, handpicked few singers and rest were sent away like villagers would send an aging bull for Cheythar.

Every song we hear is a film song. A minute through the song and you start frantically looking for a chainsaw. The producers would often ask me how the song is. To which I would reply Funtaastic in the most terrible Indian accent. Which when translated into a normal vernacular for those of you who do not understand a thing called sarcasm, it reads: “It sucks cow dung. Now someone, please pass me the rum.”

If failure is the stepping stones to success, we might someday get to see the Great Wall of China built with those stones our music composers stepped on in their pathetic attempt to imitate Bollywood songs. Here is a list of copied songs:
1. Gatey Taru: Copied from Nepali song Chekeo Chekeo dewrali Dara
2. Nge Sem gi Gawei Samu: Jagjeet Singh’s honton sey choo lo tum
3. Saa Thimphu (Yaa lhayul yee lu bhu nga hep menna): Katty Perry’s Teenage Dreams.
4. Aap jaisa Koi meri Jindagi mey aye. They didn’t even bother to change the music.
5. Apar Jaggi Style: Gangnam style. Just downloaded the karaoke.
6. Yonphula: Aaj kaal teri meri pyaar ki charchey.
I’m too lazy; you name it in the comment. I’ll add them.

The rock genre never got a chance. They were usually taken for guys that lived on drugs, scribbled tattoos, carried pistols, drank too much and chased women on the street. No, they don’t, you need to be intellectually evolved to understand and appreciate Rock. Every time a Rock Band steps on the stage, the audience would chant depressing things like “we want Ugyen Pandey, we want Uguen Pandey…” Bhutanese are too much engrossed in the tunes of Ugyen Pandey and God help me, Minzung, and once upon a time-Namgay Jigs.

Everything is about love. No songs of wits and wisdom, no music of patriotism, no ballads of heroism. No, nothing. It’s just about when moron meets the lass. It’s just ngagi chelu gaa, Chegi ngalu gaa with ocassional twists like Ngagi chelu migaa. Hey listen poor man’s Jagjeet Singh there, Shut up.

Even though we won’t admit it for jingoistic reasons, our music pretty much went down a shit hole. It’s rather depressing. Man, I miss pang da sawa now.

Why did our musicians suck nuts when it came to financial success?
1. Nobody buys stereo cassettes. Seriously? Are you in the 90’s?
2. Nobody buys CDs. Well, even taxi drivers have MP3 player nowadays.
3. We do not have any digital platform where we could buy Bhutanese records.
4. Bhutanese are good at waving a huge middle finger to things like copyright, ethics, legality and supporting the artists.
5. Bhutanese banks failed a big time to come up with in-country online payment or POS transaction system.
6. The film industry brought an end to the Music Industry.
7. Bhutanese became aware of a thing called Bluetooth. See, I told you we’re no more in isolation.

This is how our once famed and otherwise promising Music Industry vanished into oblivion. And the singers went back to farming.

Rest in peace, Bhutanese music.

 

I don’t understand Bhutanese films

Do you want to watch a movie that is a poor imitation of Korean romance, South Indian action and Bollywood comedies of Jonny Lever days? Watch a Bhutanese film.

Plotline/synopsis of 80% of Bhutanese films:
OK the heroine’s dad is a wealthy-psychopath. The hero is a poor hut-dwelling peasant. And the aforementioned wealthy-psychopath-dad marries her off to someone… wait, isn’t that something we’ve been seeing for centuries? Give us a break, can we move on now?

Musicals
Seriously! Who starts following a girl with a song at a first glance like a horny goat? It’s creepy, dude. Do you know who else does that in real life? A rapist.
I mean when do such things ever happen in real life? You don’t suddenly jump into the crowd and start thrusting your pelvis like a disco lunatic.
And the truth is we’re not even a musical society. We don’t have songs for everything. We’ve been singing Gang-hukpa-cha-cha for almost every occasions since God knows when.

Zigdra
The actor is a He-man. He can ride, he can drive, he can play guitar, he can dance, he can swim, he can fly Airplane, he can beat the shit out of ten solid men. Have you seen him fight? Man, screw the laws of Physics.
He is the alpha male of Bhutan. He is the Bhutanese sex symbol that all Bhutanese women will want to get laid with. Women will literally get pregnant just by watching him. Promise.

And that doesn’t come easily, looks is a primary criterion. He has to have the most gay-ass looking mullet. That thing is the definition of Bhutanese sex appeal. The youths copy it. The elders admire it. Women die for it. It’s so eighties, though.

 

Misty Terrace’s Song’s all about Highways

I was carefully analyzing Misty Terrace’s songs. I cracked the code! It’s all about Highways. Yonphula Highway, Babesa Highway, Kabesa to Babesa Highway.

Now one can fairly predict their next song could be about Phuentsholing Highway, perhaps with a touch mention of Dantak canteen and Tanalung checkpoint. Maybe mention about Chukha Dam and how the ducks have found home in it. Tsimakoti and their high-cost low-quality restaurants.
Second verse could as well talk about how the cows sleep on the road to avoid leeches and how drunk drivers could quickly turn them into beef, I leave it all to their creative taste.

To save them work I have made a list of Highways in Bhutan, which could be next super hit number:
1. Trashigang to Samdrup Jongkhar Highway.
2. Mongar to Lhuentshe highway.
3. Thimphu to Gelephu Highway, please ask Drona to Rap about Punatshangchu Project. Please.
4. Thimphu to Bumthang Highway, Pelela is a good starting verse for the intro.
5. Thimphu to Paro Highway.
6. Punakha to Gasa Highway could be a tricky one, give a try. It’s hard to force a rhyme with the bump, I know.
7. Gelephu to Trongsa Highway, please do not forget Tingtibi and depressing Zhemgang. 

Good chances are they might get funding from RSTA, PWD, Dungkar Transport and Sernya Transport.

All said, I am a huge fan of Misty Terrace, I urge them to keep the creativity flowing.

Bhutan Telecom, never there for you

This post is not intended to bring any changes whatsoever. You see, years of complaining about their shitty services without any improvement on their part proved a great deal of waste of time, and you encourage yourself instead to move on with life and not be bothered with petty things. Arguing with Bhutan Telecom is like playing Tug of War with an ox. After a point, you look at yourself, wonder what the heck you were thinking, and let go of the rope.

Here is a record of an incredible experience I had with the Bhutan Telecom customer service:

Welcome to Bhutan Telecom. Press 1 for English service, press 2 for Dzongkha, press 3 to connect to an agent, press 4 to connect to Satan.
I pressed 3 and waited while listening to a drunk orangutan play the keyboard.

Bt: hello, Bhutan Telecom la
Me: Hello la, can you connect me to system la?
Bt: Ok la.

Someone picks the call:
BT: Hello la,
Me: Hello, can you help me regarding the upgrade of my account type from home package to the enterprise?
BT: This is not system la, we deal with broadband only, We do not handle account upgrade. please dial 343434

I patiently dialed 343434
Auto message: Welcome to Bhutan Telecom, if you’re reaching us for inquiry, support and help related to our services please call our direct toll-free number 1600 instead. 

Again, I dialed 1600 somewhat looking pissed.
Auto message: Welcome to Bhutan Telecom. Press one for English Service, press 2 for Dzongkha, press 3 to connect to an agent, press….. I pressed 3, …continued drunk orangutan playing the keyboard….

Bt: hello, Bhutan Telecom la
Me: Hello la, can you connect me to a concerned person regarding my internet package upgrade?
Bt: Please dial 343434 directly la.
Me: I tried that, it asked for the extension number, can you at least give me the extension?
Bt: We are not allowed to give the extension la, I’ll connect to the person instead la.

…shitty music…

It turns out; she connected me to the same guy again.
BT: Hello la,
Me: Hello, can you help me regarding the upgrade of my account type from home package to enterprise?|
BT: We deal with broadband only, We do not handle account upgrade.. please dial 343434
Me: I already dialed 343434, it told me to dial 1600 instead, can you please give me the number of the concerned person?
BT: Please call Dawa Sonam on this number…

Me Dialing Dawa Sonam, quite pissed by now, some shitty Bhutanese CRBT plays in the background.
Dawa: Hello la
Me: Is this Dawa? Can you help me upgrade my account type from home package to enterprise?
Dawa: I do not handle account type, please connect to accounts section.

I dial Account section:
BT Account: Hello la,
Me: Hello, can you help me regarding the upgrade of my account type from home package to enterprise?|
BT Account: We only deal with payment la, you have to contact system in order to upgrade your account.

This way, I was kept in the circle for two weeks. I still couldn’t connect to the systems. I seriously feel like it is easier to connect to God than Bhutan Telecom systems. 

God Damn it! Bhutan Telecom! What are you? Wireless service from the 80’s? Why is it so difficult to avail a simple service? Despite your mobile and internet service being so shitty, now congratulations, even your customer service is as bad. It’s no rocket science. Where did you train your customer service people? In Hell? Is it some smart tactics to deter your customers from calling or do you really suck this bad?

 

From baktang ball to World Cup qualifying match

First of all congratulations to Team Bhutan for the miraculous win. Those cuss muttering, nail biting, fingers crossing moments in wait and disbelief proved the world and us wrong. We did it. Although most of us saw the moment 10 minutes later, thanks to our internet speed, we all shouted with joy for the first time ever.

And this is from a country that gives the least importance to sports. Come on, don’t we have a better reason than tackling drug issues to invest in sports? For the fact that most of us Bhutanese footballers grew up practicing football with paper stuffed sock ball; out in the maize field, with twisted toe nail, wearing a gho, barefoot, while half of the attention diverted towards keeping yourselves from falling so that you don’t expose your bare naked butt.

Bhutanese sportsman should be taken seriously. They should be paid high. They carry us all into the world stage. The world will decide our image based on what they see in them.

I think we have hope, and the hope will perhaps guide us in taking football and sports seriously. Let’s not be a ding-a-ling.
And please say no to ugly Photoshop of the team with a lightening backdrop.

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